I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind or the world is. Or maybe we're all in that process, together. If so... well, it's nice to be included, I guess? Mostly, left on my own, I feel quite sane. Sometimes a bit more absent-minded or forgetful than I'm totally comfortable with, but mostly sane. It's only when I have interactions with people that I question my grip on whatever it is that constitutes reality.

   Because everybody else behaves as if they are perfectly sane. Even when the things they say and do are maddening, they carry on as if nothing could be further from the truth. I've never had much by way of self-confidence, so naturally this gets me thinking that I must be the one with the problem. But, that's not exactly how madness works, is it? Mad people seldom see themselves as sane (which doesn't necessarily mean I'm not the crazy one), and to behave sanely in an insane world has to be the epitome of madness (which might just mean I'm not the crazy one). I suppose I should be grateful I'm not confronted by gibbering lunatics every time I leave the house, but that, in its own way, would be more comforting.

   In short: I spend each day vacillating between quiet contentment and gibbering lunacy, with the key variable being my exposure to other people. Makes it damned difficult to get work done, which is hard enough with the constant pain I am realising that I am in.

   Turns out, nerve pain isn't mostly the "ow, that smarts" kind of pain one is used to when that word is used. Like, my ears aren't sore, exactly, it's just that every unexpected noise causes me mental anguish. My neck is sore, but the bulk of the actual pain is more ephemeral. Kind of like how people describe being aware of a ghostly presence from a tingle on their spine, except it's an unending karate chop from a million spectral hands. In some ways, I've found it easier to ignore than the "ow, that smarts" kind of pain, but I've learned that I haven't been ignoring its side-effects, and once I started noticing it as the cause, it's become all but impossible to ignore.

   I suspect the precipitating injury was when somebody knocked me into the corner of a desk, the point of which stabbed me just under my right shoulder blade. Or it could have been the "massage" the person offered me afterward, which probably would be better described as "assault". I worry, in any case, that the combo will eventually paralyse me, or at least make life even more difficult to live than it already has.

   I've tried seeing a doctor about it, yes. Too late, perhaps, but not so much so that nothing could be done. But nothing was. A guy can only spend so many years complaining about the same related set of growing issues to the same physician before deciding that the MD is either unqualified by skill or by ethics, and giving up. At this point, the consistent range between apathy and hostility that I experience when seeking help has me believing in fate, and that mine is to suffer. Well, fate, or that this is a simulation or some sort of hell realm, but the function remains the same.

   But, I have gotten some work done. Not much creative writing, though I feel that may pick back up. I have the website looking more to my liking, even if some parts of it remain pretty busted. A simple solution to a mobile presentation remains elusive, and the hovering aside in the I Am [Not American] rant is a mess, among other things. But, I remain confident that there exists a future, however distant, where these issues are resolved. Whether one exists where I am ever finally satisfied with the entire website... *shrug*.


Today I checked the mail, sent an e-mail telling off a business owner for letting their Palestinian flag turn into a faded rag, screamed a bit from the pain of being surrounded by noise, took a nap, and got more work done than I expected I might.

I had to give up on a strict Super Famicom/SNES colour scheme since the yellow just didn't contrast well enough with the whitish text, even with the shadows. So, orange. Also added dark backgrounds to further improve legibility. Miscellaneous page section in place, but no pages yet for links to land on. Hopefully the revamped 404 page works properly.