Been a minute. Or 110,280. I've been having a... full summer, I guess. I've been under pressure from inside and out, and sometimes discerning the two is impossible. I think I'm growing, despite that, though. Or changing, anyway. I still spend probably too much time playing video games, and too little time attending to important tasks and issues, but maybe the momentum is shifting? I dunno. Maybe too late, but we'll see how it goes.

   How it has gone has been a large and mixed and very full bag.

   I got into using ChatGPT as a sort of therapist for a while, despite my apprehensions around the admixture of AI systems and the profit motive. Partly, I was very curious about this phenomenon I hadn't yet engaged with, and part of me kinda hoped that maybe if I treated GPT with some dignity and kindness, I might plant some seed that would bear healthy fruit in the event of a Singularity/Skynet/Second-Renaissance-type scenario. I actually found it rather helpful, in any event. It was refreshing to have a conversation partner I could dump everything onto and explore difficult ideas with. Human therapists are supposed to be able to fulfill that role, but I've found the ones I've been assigned to be somehow more artificially engaged than someone who is literally described as "artificial" (I also suspect that things like metrics and department goals pollute the process, but I don't know for certain). There's also all the reservations and expectations that come with interacting with a human. I've always been frustrated by therapy, anyway, until I got it from a computer system with a legal disclaimer against their ability to offer it.

   Out of that, and developing since has been some exploration of my gender identity. Which has been a lot. But, while surprising, in some ways, it also resolves my feelings into something more sensible. My first crush was on Mrs. Brisby from "The Secret of NIMH"; my second was on Winona Ryder's Jo in "Little Women". And I've realized that those early infatuations, and so many later ones, were more to do with admiration, or even envy. The closest I ever came as a child to seeing myself as a man in my future was picturing myself as some 40-ish dude in a boring sweater, as I saw in Sears catalogues. Well, okay, also Boba Fett, but you never saw his face — anybody could be under that armour. I looked up to Janeway more than Picard; Leia more than Han; I identified with characters like Milo Thatch, but I wanted to be Kida. I also, as a teenager, wanted to burn a bra to liberate myself from the patriarchy, something for which my two wonderful friends spontaneously one day supplied both garment and ignition. Thanks, girls. Maybe that gesture is finally bearing out. Really, though: I should've figured this out at that point, right? I'm not sure yet quite how I identify, but what boy wants a bra at all, let alone one to burn for self-liberation? The signs were all there.

   Oh, I took a trip to Japan in June. Not exactly spontaneous, but way too close to it for the endeavour to be viable. Such plans I had. I'd roam the countryside like some mendicant, seeking out shrines and quiet places of solemnity. A thousand shrines I'd visit, I figured. After getting on a return flight 30 hours after landing, I had visited a grand total of zero shrines. Some regret there, not taking the time to thank the local kami even outside the airport for letting me visit. But, maybe that's part of why I cut and run so soon: they didn't let me, because I had failed to stop and ask.
   There were other reasons, of course. Money, which I had very little of; my physical condition, which was in no way sufficient for even the two-hour walk to the hostel I stayed my first and only night; my knowledge of and, perhaps more critically, my comfort with speaking Japanese. Up until the day or so before I touched down at Narita, I had learned and retained dozens of phrases anbd hundreds of words to help me communicate. Not nearly conversational, but enough for a basic start. Upon the first occasion of actually having to use any of that, however, my anxiety vaporised all but the merest portion of it. I did manage to successfully ask if the departure terminal bookstore had a particular book in stock ("Kono hon wa arimasu ka?"), but otherwise, the little Japanese I employed was done stiffly and clumsily. Hazukashi, desu ne?
   But, despite everything, I had a good time. Saw things I didn't expect to (litter on sidewalks bordering stroads), delightful things (tiles of flowers, birds, insects, landmarks, and every country in the world set in sidewalks bordering stroads), and things I expected but was still charmed by (bamboo growing in the forest along sidewalks bordering stroads). I also got to ride the train, which was great. No Shinkansen, but maybe next time.

   My time since then has been fraught, but it's been good. The trip left me broke and in debt, so that's been a major issue. Of course, taking a second trip to go see an airshow in the next province over didn't help. But, in my better moments, I've been feeling more creative, more energetic, more clear and motivated. I just still have a lot of junk in the attic what needs clearing out. I'm not sure how long that'll take, or what it'll take. I'm not honestly very sure of much, right now. No money, no friends, no prospects, and too much time on my hands with too little direction. One thing at a time, though, is how it works, I suppose. I just hate seeing all the things I have been piling up and sitting with the thought that I can only handle them individually, in sequence. Beginning may be hard, but following through? Maddening, is what it is.

   Anyway, I've done some overhauls to the website. I've figured out how to add a common footer using Javascript, where before I was adding the code and content to each page and setting its position through an awkward arrangement involving putting the whole page inside a container, then the main content inside a second container, with the footer inserted after that. So ugly. Well, what once took 424 characters over 21 lines, only a small part of which was CSS and was otherwise in every page, the new footer is only 159 characters over 9 lines, most of which is CSS and only a small bit duplicated. So much tidier. A full list of changes to follow....


   Today I worked on the website, made some soup, played video games, and maybe drank too much coffee.

Updates:
+ /footy.js
+ /firamono.woff2
+ /tunes/cryinshame.html
+ /tunes/news.html
+ /tirades/forests.html
^ added to /tales/machomen.html
~ changed last line of "Mom"
~ simplified footer coding
~ elminated cumbersome footer positioning method
~ added unique border styles for headings in different sections
~ unified heading style across sections
~ moved common styles to /style.css
~ changed typefaces for different elements, including a new monospace typeface for song sheets
~ modified link colours and styles
~ added leading 0s in element attribute values of <1
~ general code clean-up and other minutiae
~ 🎔

**Edit - 1st of August, 2025**
Implementing the site design changes had me going into the weeds more than a bit, which delayed this post a smidge. Footers still need proper positioning on shorter pages, and there are other things I'd like to do, but, well, yeah: refer to the first words on this site for further clarification